So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
