I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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