sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
