Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
