You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
