You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
