I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
