Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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