Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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