my mouth tastes like poor choices
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
