So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize