Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
