My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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