I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
