At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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