Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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