Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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