I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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