not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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