he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
