I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
