i jhust puked up my retainher.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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