i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Im part way to drunk.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
