matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
