Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think your dad took our porno
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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