here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
