I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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