Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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