So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
