So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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