I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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