I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
