what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
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We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
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I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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