True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
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Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
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When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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