i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
