Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
