ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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