there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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