Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
