i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
