My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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