Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
