She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
