You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
be right there i have to get my cape
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
