apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
