i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
