You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
