There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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