I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
