thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
