I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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