We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
