My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
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