what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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